i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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