Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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