He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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