my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
