the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
