Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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