Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
