I'm jealous of your bromance
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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