Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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