Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We had sex on a dog bed..
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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