My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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