Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
