"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Randomize
