she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
