I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
