I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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