The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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