um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
