Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
