john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
