when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
