I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
