so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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