My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
