He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
