Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
