I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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