Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
