I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
