you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
i believe in u and ur pee
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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