I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
