so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
