he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
