he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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