well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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