I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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