After last night, I could never be a politician.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
