he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
