where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
