seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
