I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
