we have officially lost it.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
