So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
