Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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