Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
