Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
