Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize