I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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