Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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