Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
