Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
