You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Randomize
