dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
