He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
