If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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